wow, it's been forever since i've written in here.

i want to talk about other things, because i think all my past entires have been nothing but about her. and i hate talking about it.

but she's the reason i got inspired to write, well, not really "inspired".

i'm so disapointed in myself. i was doing fine on my own. it's funny how any little thing she does, can cause me to come back to the begining, start over again.

no matter how many times i'm disapointed that she didn't show up, even when she said she would, i still try. i'm so stupid for it. i feel like i'm addicted.
last time i saw her, she was in my room and asked what happened to everything that cluttered my walls, basically anything that reminded me of her. she asked if i wanted to forget the relationship we had. our sisterhood. truth is, no matter how many times i strip my walls, strip my mind of her. it's unforgettable. she's unforgettable. i mean, i feel like she's with me all the time. is that weird? the scars that she left on my arm. i asked her how she made it seem so easy to forget me, she said it wasn't. but i don't even know if i believe her. if it's hard for her. how come she doesn't want to talk to me or come see me once in awhile? i don't know how she can stand it.
we had a love so deep...then it got hacked at the roots except that my roots were harder to hack at and ended up staying. ughhh. i hate this. i hate talking about it. what would you rather have? ten aquantices or one best friend?
now i have many friends...but it does no justice and no satisfaction knowing that that one best friend would always be there.

i'm really sad. it's been about two years.



quote of the day:

"No one falls in love by choice, it is by CHANCE.

No one stays in love by chance, it is by WORK.

And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by CHOICE."

Current Mood: disappointed

i don't think i've ever felt this lonely in my life...

ashley is with anissa right now.

i asked kelly to go see a movie with me and instead she invites lizzy for ice cream and then expects me to invite myself.

then i call steven to ask what he's up to and he hung up on me(wether by accident or not i'll never know)

and my parents aren't even home...

everyone has somone or something

and i, well

i don't have a lot

Current Mood: sad

tomorrow's my birthday!!!! or more like in three mins.

anyways. to give a quick update.
i made drum major!!!


all girls for the first time in reagan history. ahaha. everyone was shocked.

i have so much shit to do

g'night morgan

  DORMITORY:
>>>        When you rearrange the letters:
>>>        DIRTY ROOM
>>>
>>>        PRESBYTERIAN:
>>>        When you rearrange the letters:
>>>        BEST IN PRAYER
>>>
>>>        ASTRONOMER:
>>>        When you rearrange the letters:
>>>        MOON STARER
>>>
>>>        DESPERATION:When you rearrange the letters:
>>>        A ROPE ENDS IT
>>>
>>>        THE EYES:!
>>>        When you rearrange the letters:
>>>        THEY SEE
>>>
>>>        GEORGE BUSH:
>>>        When you rearrange the letters:
>>>        HE BUGS GORE
>>>
>>>        THE MORSE CODE :
>>>        When you rearrange the letters:
>>>        HERE COME DOTS
>>>
>>>        SLOT MACHINES:
>>>        When you rearrange the letters:
>>>        CASH LOST IN ME
>>>
>>>        ANIMOSITY:
>>>        When you rearrange the letters:
>>>        IS NO AMITY
>>>
>>>        ELECTION RESULTS:
>>>        When you rearrange the letters:
>>>        LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
>>>
>>>        SNOOZE ALARMS:
>>>        When you rearrange the letters:
>>>        ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
>>>
>>>        A DECIMAL POINT:
>>>        When you rearrange the letters:
>>>        IM A DOT IN PLACE
>>>
>>>        ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
>>>        When you rearrange the letters:
>>>        TWELVE PLUS ONE
>>>
>>>       

it bothers me how you say that you're scars aren't there. even though i just saw them yesterday. they're not completely gone but yes they are barely there

our arms are like what's going on. 

your scars are almost gone. like the memory of me is almost gone from your life.

the scars on my arm will never go away. they're still there. just like you are still with me. and the memory of you will never leave me. 

i would do anything for you. 
even if it means me going away.

wow today was just...a blast?
i got a hug from kelly. that made my day...it was a good hug too. the one we always give.
i wonder if i'm ever going to get a hug from kelly again. i asked her why she hugged me and she said "sorry, i won't do it again".
i hate it when she does that.

well if this doesn't make sense. sorry.
i'm a bit out of it. just got back from being out all day yesterday.
2:10am

yesterday was really fun. go to my blog for reference if you care.

but today just sucked. i don't know.
i was playing piano and making up a song when my mom came in. and everything was fine. then she told me to hold up this frame above the bed...which i did.
then i asked if she washed my clothes yet. she said i didn't put it down there last friday. then i said yes i did. well long story short. i started getting really upset and mad and i started to shout. i don't know why. i've never done that before. and i ran to my room crying.
my mom came in telling me that i'm grounded
and i cried for hours. it wasn't just sniffling. i was shouting crying.... hugging my pillow. i wanted to call someone. as i thought of who to call my loneliness got worse. everyone was with someone or talking to someone. i wanted someone to be there with me. and to hold my hand. and tell me it'll be ok and just to fall asleep.
i kept debating wether or not to call kelly. in the end i didn't. she wouldn't care. i'm kinda glad i didn't.
i felt so lost and hurt that if i had a knife at that moment i would've stabbed myself. i'm 100% sure that i would've.
i lost my best friend
i lost my good luck necklace that someone very special to me gave to me.
i lost my hyperness
i lost my heart
cookie's hurt. 
i lost all my talents...i can't draw or write or do anything
i lost my will to live.

i doubt i'll ever find someone again. that was my chance and i blew it.

it's easier for you to cope with it because you've got someone already.

sigh.

cookie was hurt really bad(cookie is one of my most prized possessions)
anyways

i want this school year to end. i hate it!ahhhhhhhhhhh
i want summer to come. but then i don't want it to come. i'm dreading it if anything. i mean. i'm gonna be sitting home doing nothing. hearing stories about all my other friends doing amazing stuff that i would like to do.

i need to find someone. i feel so lonely. i mean. really lonely. if i had a gun i'd shoot myself. if i was lonely before i came to san antonio i think i wouldn't have the heart to shoot myself because i wouldn't know that i was lonely.
i hate being like this. i can usually put up an act and be all happy but i just can't anymore...or not as much as i use to. i need someone i can talk to. just because. there doesn't have to always be a reason. i need someone i can hang and do whatever with. just because. and it wouldn't be awkward.
i need somebody to love me.
and that's never going to happen.


i kept telling myself that in the end you'll come back to me.
that we'll be best friends again. that you'll need my help in something or someone to talk to.

but in reality.it was me that needed you.
 
and i just kept telling myself that.

i'm gonna shoot myself